Journal of My Life

Nothing About Gay

2008-07-08T18:08:00.002+08:00

Hafi thinks I'm gay.
Maybe I behave like one, but not to the extend GAY?
Nothing about gay, just friends.
I love you guys.

This blog was on holiday for a long long time.
Welcome the cool SHIT back man!

2008-07-08T18:07:00.002+08:00

SO MANY SEXY ELECTRIC GUITAR BUT MY MOM NOT GONNA GET FOR ME! OMG! :(

Wonder Walls

2008-03-09T06:17:00.003+08:00

All day I've been staring at the ceiling and all night I've been hearing many voices. Well, I'm not crazy, maybe I'm just a little unwell. If she just stay for a little while, she'll see a different side of me. I know there is something wrong with me.

I've lost my mind.

I been talking in my sleep, I know something is coming to get me. Nothing brings a smile to my face, I've lost the best days of my life.

Abhorrent? I'm starting to think so too.

When October Fall

2007-12-08T00:59:00.000+08:00

When I was a child, I never had enough love. Love was not recognize to me at all.

I'm losing patience. Well, I guess...
It's my fault...
I got nothing great to say.

This world turns so cold and it breaks through my soul.
My love
My whole heart
It's all thrown away.

Many thanks to all those who were always there for me when I really needed it, but I'm very sorry to say I really can't move on.

The first step in forgetting is destroying all the evidence. With friend like you, who needs you? I can never forget every little thing I've done with you.

A bullet just penetrated into my heart, and there's no hope for me anymore. I wish I could ride you into oblivion.

I tell myself,
DON'T REMEMBER!
DON'T REMEMBER!
DON'T!..... REMEMBER!
DON'T!!

2007-09-16T19:35:00.000+08:00

Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced.
Another sun soaked the season which fades away.
I’m so strung out on you.
I can barely move, but I'm liking It

You have stolen my heart.
Into dirt, into dust, It all fades away only my love for you.
It has just began and too early to say goodbye.
Our dreams assured and we all will sleep well always.

I watched you spin around on the highest mountains.
You are the best one, of the best ones.
A moment more before we break free
And these dreams keep you awake
Another piece that this puzzle needs is you

You're all that I need, my love.

2007-07-23T15:10:00.001+08:00

It's all over.

2007-07-05T22:29:00.000+08:00

You mean the world to me girl.

Past vs Present

2007-06-07T23:18:00.000+08:00

I know I don't mean a thing to you but I know I love you before I met you. I am missing you every minute!

Look out on a summer's day, with eyes that know the darkness in my soul. Shadows on the hills, sketching the daffodils, catching the breeze, In colours on the snowy linen land just me and you.

This world was never meant for one.

Portraits hung in empty halls.
Frameless head on nameless walls, with eyes that watch the world and can't forget. Like the strangers that you've met.

2007-05-10T20:14:00.000+08:00

The wait has made me colder.

This world constricts my frail body. Eliminated whenever there is a flaw. Not good-looking, not intelligent, not a soul by my side.

I want to fight but I know it is pointless. It has been experienced, I know the ending. I find it much easier to let things go now.

Look here, I know, you don't. The face is no longer a form of expression of my true feelings but a tool I use to let the others have the impression I want them to have.

Tired of fatigue of other people's broken lies. How I wish anybody knew.They must be still thinking I am in pretence, but you will never know.

The Dying Love

2007-05-04T19:24:00.000+08:00

Seeing you happy is everything.
Talking to you makes me happy.
Your smile brighten my day!

You are so unhappy with your relationship thanks to some 'playboy'. If you want me to ease that kid, I will do so. If he breaks your heart again, no one can stop me from breaking his skull.

I may be a coward not talking to you, but I really care. My dead soul had been trying so hard to reach your dying heart, but I know I'm unworthy for you.

But I really do love you alot, I'm certain about it. I'm drowning in my sleep, who is there to save me?

I will wait around your school and hoping I will see you, somehow.. Even if I see you, I wouldn't speak. I will stay far away and look at you, that will be enough.

Now, my life, my love and everything is all gone. Give me a reason to life and death. It's all over...

My Death Wish

2007-04-24T19:37:00.000+08:00

Many people can't understand me, they say I'm complicated. Well, no one has ever entered my world of darkness before. They will never know how I feel, I can only bury secrets within. I sliently cry whenever I think of you, I'm slowly drifting apart from this world.

I don't know how to face this world anymore, I wanna run away. Lonelyness has been with me for 4 full years, It don't really matter much. I'll just sit here and bleed.

What will happen if my soul leaves my body?

My love, life and everything is all gone forever. There's nothing much I can say, I've lost this battle entirely.

God, take my life for all I care.

2007-03-31T02:11:00.000+08:00

A glance of her makes me weak. She sinks in my mind as I shed my skin. It won't really make any difference now.

Give me a reason to life or death!

How do I forget everything?

You'll be fine,is this fine? I'm not fine.

Untold secrets

2007-03-29T20:48:00.000+08:00

There's nothing I can do, I surrender. I've lost everything, I own nothing. I feel so empty without you. I'm afraid to keep on living, nothing I say can stop you from loving him. Your heart belongs to him, and I'm so jealous. I would rather sleep, FORVER.
I wouldn't dare to speak a word to you anymore. I dare not face you any longer. If you appear, I'll hide.
I'll trade my soul for happiness, I'm just too weak to carry on. I'll just lay here bleeding and dead. I'll bury all my love and care for you, It won't let me. They just don't die!
God, don't let me suffer anymore!
PLEASE TAKE MY LIFE AWAY!

The wounded soldier

2007-03-28T19:58:00.000+08:00

Hopes and dreams destroyed.
Love to hate.
Friends to strangers.

An embittered feeling within.
Stone cold heart breaker.
A life which seeks death.

Love is a game, which I can never win.
Let it be.

During the cold and lonely nights, I MISS YOU BADLY. You'll be attending to your boyfriend instead.
May it be.

.D.E.A.T.H.

2007-01-20T23:35:00.000+08:00

Even if i loved you all along, I'll sit and I wouldn't tell anyone.

2007-01-11T18:41:00.000+08:00

Humans cannot be satisfy.

I wait for my downfall.

The Unworthy

2006-12-27T22:00:00.000+08:00

I am unworthy to any girl.
Those girls who have been with me didn't last long.
I am just unworthy for anyone.

Only Love (Part 2)

2006-12-19T00:33:00.000+08:00

A thousand miles between us, a drill through my heart. With a sad ending which have been rejected by her. Another sad ending will be added to the forgotten diary in the drawer. There won't be any miracles. I expected that final answer she gave me. Yet, it still made me sad.

Even if we can't be together, we still can be good friends. There's still lots of ways to take care of her, you don't have to be her boyfriend to do so. Whenever she needs a listening ear, I will be there.

Only Love (Part 1)

2006-12-14T21:36:00.000+08:00

She's a extraordinary girl to me. She's so special which words can't be explained. It is just that I can't take my eyes off you. I whisper your name when I'm asleep. I can't describe this feeling deep inside.

I had her contact number, and we started chatting. I began to have interest on her. On a dark cold night, I decided to let her know how I feel. I didnt get rejected, she just needs more time to think.

She told me she really can't forget her previous boyfriend. Her boyfriend still owes her money. I begin to have my doubts. Maybe her old flame just wanted her money but I am in no position to speak up for what I feel.

If I was really invincible, I will take your hand as our shadows dance. I wish I could read what goes through her mind. How I wish I can be in her life, what does it take to make her see that I'm serious?

Holiday

2006-12-09T22:51:00.000+08:00

This song is to all my friends out there, hope you guys will sing along too.
Yes, I decided to be happy. Hopefully always, I'm still away, I won't have much to write yet. Be right back soon, stay tune.
Lyrics will be given!
Enjoy and have fun!

Artist : Toy Box
Song : Best Friend

hooha! hooha!
na na nanana nanananananaaa!
(2x)
Have you ever been in love?
He's my best friend best of all best friends
Do you have a best friend too?
He tickles in my tummy he's so yummy yummy
Hey you should get a best friend too
hooha! hooha!
Hello, baby, can I see a smile
I'm going to a party, and it's gonna be wild
Can I come, I am sitting alone
No, friends are never alone
That's right!
Maybe some pretty girls are in your world
Excuse me, I could also be your girl
Lately, everyone is making fun
Na na na na na na na na na na na
He's my best friend, best of all best friends
Do you have a best friend too?
He tickles in my tummy, he's so yummy yummy
Hey, you should get a best friend too
My best friend!
hooha! hooha! (2x)
na na nanana nanananananaaa!
Hooha Hooha!
Aloha baby, let's go to the beach
Yeah, girls in bikini are waiting for me (uh huh)
But I was hoping for a summer-romance
So why can't you take a chance
Oh yeah!
Maybe some pretty girls are in your world
Excuse me, I could also be your girl
Lately, everyone is making fun
na na nanana nanananananaaa!
He's my best friend, best of all best friends
Do you have a best friend too?
He tickles in my tummy, he's so yummy yummy
Hey, you should get a best friend too!
My best friend!
Hooha hooha (3x)
na na nanana nanananananaaa!
Maybe some pretty girls are in your world
Excuse me, I could also be your girl
Lately, everyone is making fun
Let's get this party on,
Hit me with that lazer-gun!
oh whao oh
Hooha hooha
oh whao oh
you should get a best friend too
He's my best friend, best of all best friends
Do you have a best friend too?
It tickles in my tummy, he's so yummy yummy
Hey, you should get a best friend too!
My best friend!
hooha hooha (2x)
he's so sweet
na na nanana nanananananaaa!

Our Dying Day

2006-12-02T20:50:00.000+08:00

We were feeling down with the competition, I thought we will ready for competitive dota. I guess none of us were ready, maybe glen and clement was. Justin, Darren and I did kinda bad, far from expection. We were weak, totally helpless against our opponent. Here, I make a promise to my team to strive my best for the next competition. We need to be totally fierce, totally cold-blooded. Brutal! That makes us brutes.

Lots of training is required for the next coming competition. Thinking and teamwork is needed in the coming competition. We had some experience with our very first competition, there's no reason we can't perform up to standard this time. If there's a will, there's a way. Nothing is impossible in this world. At the end of competition, the whole team's spirit went straight down. I didn't had the mood to play a clown anymore. I felt bad, guilt all over me. We strive to become the best, gotta work hard and do well.

We ain't going down so easily, as far as I'm concern, this clan will go on. Hoping we will do well the next competition, we don't care if the other teams look down on us. Humbleness will bring you high. I believe we will make it. It's all about the trust, trust yourself and trust your friends.

We ain't the same anymore, I live for the moment for us to shine! Ridding past those dying memories we have created by ourself. The fire in us will not be blown away. We will shine like the stars above!

19 November 2006

2006-11-20T22:49:00.000+08:00

The worst day of my life. It was a pleasant day as normal. Glen and Clement asked me to go out. I made a reason, saying I'm sick. I couldn't make it, that made me feel bad. On that following day, Glen got punch on the face. He punched back, but there was too many of dogs. My other friends didn't help at all.

I'm very disappointed with one of my friend called luke. He is a very strong and helpful guy. I changed the way I look at him already. To me, he is a selfish and unhelpful guy. If he were to help Glen out there, all of them could have run away and get somewhere safe.

Well, I don't think he's the person who started everything. It was another idiot in my mind now. He is someone who I never liked. Glen helped him without thinking. What do he get in return? NOTHING?!

When Kaisheng and my cousin went down, they flee. They are so gay?

That doesn't end my day yet, it comes the family problem now. My auntie scolded me hard. Just for not telling her where's her white phone? Ok, fine. Must she comment on me? The world is tripping.

I scolded her back, I just don't know why It hurts when I scold her. I cried out loud, yes it's my emotional period. I guess I still treat her as my family member. Blood is thicker than water. Friends are important too. Nothing is better than family and friends.

Here, I end my worst day of my life.

The Midnight Call

2006-11-06T14:05:00.000+08:00

It may sounds kinda lame, but it's true. It's not just a normal midnight call, the call carries a meaningful meaning. I will call her during midnight and let it ring for 3 times only. Just 3 times, no more than that. What does it means?

First ring : I

Second ring : Love

Third ring : You

It's lame, but still there is a stupid dumb guy doing all this shit. All this while she keep asking me why you call me.
Hope she knows what it means now.
Boring life? Yeah

Coffee or Tea?

2006-10-29T01:10:00.000+08:00

I knew Coffee sinces secondary 1, and I knew Tea when I was secondary 2. I think both has the looks, the brain and every perfect girl has. Both carries an extraordinary scent.

The first day I went with Coffee on a day, it went well. We went to catch a movie and hang out. I really enjoy it very much, miss those days slacking with her too.

For some reasons, I like her very much. I wrote her a letter to express my feelings. I don't think it really work as she didn't reply my question for another date. When she started to stead with my best friend, everything turned sour.

As for tea, it started off very sweet. We met and stead together for 3 months. Every second we spent, I treasured it. It was going perfect, suddenly there was a slient break due to some reason which I don't know.

Ever since, we never spoke to each other or met each other. It really hurts, loving so much and what you get in return? Not more love in return, but all the heartbroken feelings.

So would you prefer Coffee or Tea?

The Void Of My Heart

2006-10-17T18:26:00.000+08:00

I guess It was just another false hope from my life. My life cannot be blamed, maybe blame god? I'm not missing her, she don't care too. Listening to the wind blowing by, I had a vision. A vision of my future, in my vision, I had kids and a wife. I was able to see my kids playing happily, but when I turn to look at my wife. The vision gets blur, soon it disappeared. Who is going to be my wife?

I just don't feel confident any longer to my future. Can it be another omen in my life? Girls can't be trustable?

New life

2006-10-13T13:15:00.000+08:00

Loving someone is easy, but loving someone for 3 years is kinda hard. Not many can be that faithful. Emotion gets all worked up when she talks to other guys.
Is that being jealous?

I still remember when we were still Secondary 1. Thanks to the person I was wooing at that time, I knew her. In every way, she caught my attention. She is so lovely, with the smile she gives. It warms my heart, body, mind and soul. There was once I saw her at parkway, she was with her friends. I didn't dare to say hi, as she pays more attention to her friends.

When I reached home, She messaged me on MSN. She asked me if I had been to parkway. I was so glad that I had her attention there. And finally, I asked for her handphone contact number. Without a second thought, she gave it to me. That night I messaged her till 6AM in the morning. We both always have topics for each other even though she's not english-educated. She speaks more mandarin at home than english.

After a few months, she stopped talking to me. I felt as if something was missing in my life. A kind of lost meaning. From the onwards, I did everything to have her attention again. There is no way I'm letting her go. Soon, I had her attention again. But she knew some other guys from NCC camp. It made me upset again, and I guess I was feeling jealous. She knew I like her and she told me she had a good impression on me.

This year, on her birthday, I bought her a present. I didn't know her well enough to pass it to her. She received lots of presents from many of her friends, including guys. Everything doesn't turn out the way I want, it never does! Is this fair? Maybe I'm just too shy, but that's just me.

Friendship?

2006-10-12T16:57:00.000+08:00

I was heard friendship is a good thing, now I change the way i think about it. I was once very close with a girl. Any trouble comes to my mind, I will SMS her. Now when i SMS her, she will take at least 2-3 days to reply me.

Maybe she's with her best friend, and her best friend is no longer me! She's a nice, kind and friendly person. To me, I think she changed alot when she enters her secondary life.

On msn, we don't talk at all anymore. I will always scold her to seek attention. I think that's kinda bad, but for attention. It's worthy!! I'm really lost for now. Trouble minded with sorrows.

Here comes the moral of the story I'm not sure about.
DOES FRIENDSHIP LAST LONG?
DO PEOPLE CHANGE INSTANTLY?

Exams

2006-10-07T16:49:00.000+08:00

Exams preparation.
No time for posting.

Exams is very stressful. Especially, MY COUSIN AMET JULIEN!!
In the morning around 2am, i will hear him sleeptalking something about his subjects that he is taking later on.

i guess it's normal for him to feel stress because he is a SJI BOY! Well, now i feel bad posting this.. CAUSE HE IS BESIDE ME NOW!!

Updated after 10 October 2006

The last dance for love

2006-10-01T23:59:00.000+08:00

Flipping through our photographs. Missing you is half hidden, half seen. You've already gone very far away. Perhaps you have already given up on me. I know It's too hard for you to turn back.

I know it is me who let you slip throught my hands. My friends will usually ask me how's my love. i would always smile at them and kept quiet. After smiling, my expression eventually has some sadness.

I could still remember our very first date. I enjoy the days with you, and I miss those days I spent with you. You will always have a place in my heart. Every night, I would still feel you still around me somewhere. But in reality, I've lost you completely.

Everytime when I hug you, I feel the warmth in you and the smell in you is so strong. Your eyes are mesmerizing, I'm attracted the moment I saw It. Each time I see you, more blood pumps through my veins.

I guess all good things has an end, and this is no exception.

Fate

2006-09-30T22:43:00.000+08:00

Life? Life is weird. Especially LOVE! How should I express love? Love is a funny thing. It comes fast, and it goes fast. He feels so numb without her, maybe he's missing her?? God bestow her to a average-looking guy.

Did he not cherish her?
Did he not love her enough?
Did he looked too normal for her?

Somethings need to be answered. When will he get an answer?

Is there any cure for love-sickness? His tears have already frozen in his eyes. It's struck in his eyes. Is it worth waiting? He would always smile and say it's worth waiting. Maybe it's stupid, but he still cries out to his sorrows during the dark dark nights.

End of the tunnel

2006-09-30T19:43:00.000+08:00

The dark cloud places a piece of shadow in our hearts. I listen respectfully to my mood, which has already been quiet for a long time. Clear and transparent, just like the beautiful scenery. It's always only clear when seeing it in my memory. Can the heart, that has been thoroughly hurt, still continue to love me? I make an effort to pull up the pair of hands that have no warmth.

The tenderness in the past has already been locked by time. Only leaving sadness that doesn't go away.

The maple leaves slowly falling down are like thoughts. I light a candle to warm up the end of autumn. The northern lights plunder the edge of the sky. The northern wind brushes past the expressions of missing you. I take love and burn it into fallen leaves. Yet I can't get back that familiar face.

The maple leaves slowly falling down are like thoughts. Why must retrieving be hurried before winter comes? Loving you passing through time, two rows of tears from the end of autumn.

The graceful red rain in between the mountain side. Withering with the north wind. I lightly swing the wind chimes. I want to awaken the love that has been deserted. Snowflakes are already spread all over the ground. Deeply scared that the maple leaves outside the window have already become frozen

You let my love permeate through the ground but all I still want is you to be by my side...